12 Hours later....

So I wrote about the dark horrible things that I was going through yesterday, I still feel crapy but that's normal. And half the time I was typing Philip was in time out for waking up his brother. But he came in a helped me with dinner and had lots of fun. He hugged me and told me that I was his best friend. I think I almost cut my pinkie from the tears. Then during dinner he grabbed my hand I was almost yanked it away because it was a jerk reaction but I didn't and he looked at me and told me that I was his best girl and that he loved me. Well that set off a melt down. I kissed his little hand and he told me where his face was. So I kissed his face and cried. I think that some times God channels through kids. I don't know how else he would have known that I needed to hear that. We talked about what happened that day at the party. He told me that he had taken the toy away and then the kid hit him in the face. He says he closed his fist and hit in the face. He apologized to me about that, I told him that he didn't need to and that I was sorry I wasn't there to help. He said that it's ok he's still his friend and it was an accident. I can't belive how fast he forgives. Good for me. All I can say is that thank God for children. I always knew they were a blessing even if the blessing is abundant at times. But that's never bad.

Word Vomit

Ok, so don't call the social services on me yet....:0) But I'm about to go off my rocker. I really don't know how much more I can take. This morning I went to take Michael to his 15 month appointment (Happy 15 months Michael!) And I went and got my cholesterol test done then too. (I fasted for 12 hours) Doesn't seem like a long time but making breakfast and feeding it to a kid and not having any for your self and preping a dish and still not eating isn't any fun. So, I'm in the lab with Michael (holding him) and only when he head butts me in the chest does the tech ask if she can take him before I get poked in the arm. FUN!! So that went ok. Went to Michael's appt and ran into someone I met at the ESC meeting and had some one to talk to. That was nice, what wasn't was the fact I was 20 minutes early and they didn't call me back until 10:55 soooo....my appt time was 10:30. Nice. So they weigh Michael, thinking that if he was 19 lbs that we would finally be able to get him a big boy seat BUT NOOOO he only gained 1 1/4 lb since his 1 year making him a whopping 17.8 pounds. So....he's little, we already knew that. I just don't know why. It bothers me, it really does. I love him and I know that he is little. It just bothers me....I feed him, he drinks more milk than I have ever seen a kid drink. I don't get it!! And I'm getting soooo tired of people saying he's sooo little, I know that!!! I look at him every day and worry that I'm doing something wrong. Worry why he isn't on the national "scale of normal weight" All of the tests that we can do at this point we have done. The doctor is giving him till his 18 month to try to get up at least on the bottom of the chart for weight. SO that's that. Then poor little guy had to get a shot, I didn't know that he was getting one. But he did ok. So we get home in time to pick up Philip for an Easter party. We actually have been involved in a group of kids (finally) only for Philip to get whacked in the face the 1st 5 minutes we are there. So his cheeks are redder than when he's having an allergic reaction. I don't know who and I don't know why I just know my little boy was running to me crying and saying "I just want friends" So I have Michael in a booster seat and try to make Philip eat. But all the other kids are running around. So, he wants to too. The middle of the party was ok, except when I tried to make Philip listen and sit still. I know I sounded like a mad woman yelling at him to sit and come here. He actually ran from me I nearly fell down holding Philip. That warranted a spanking. He just laughed and ran off. I'm at my wits end with him. And don't know what I did so wrong. I'm stern, I'm loving, I do what I think is right by him. He still doesn't get that I'm the Parent (wow, I'm my mom) But it's getting crazy, and so am I. Michael is caught in the middle of it. I really don't have time to really focus on him with Philip always wanting my total attention even if it's negative. Then there is the house work and all the things that need to be done to keep the house from falling into a crap hole. Brent helps. Not to say that I don't have an active Father and Husband but sometimes I feel like I should just do it myself instead of asking for help. I'm home all day all by myself with 2 boys and no car, no friends that I can call to have just come over and talk to. I spend most of my time on the phone talking to people hundreds of miles away. I just want to run away and not be here at all. I know that sounds so horrible but what am I supposed to do when I go off the deep end. I really don't want to. I feel like I'm a horrible mother, wife, friend....what ever label you want to put on me I really suck at it. I wear a mask 90% of the time. I'm not a happy person, I'm really crying inside and a rage of anger and frustration...I don't think that it's fair for my kids to have to have me as a mother the way I am. And I don't know how to fix me. I gave up on fixing things along time ago and I know that I can't fix me. To get religious, I've called out for help I don't know that He wants to say yes. I feel like I'm just floating along...I get up I yell, I make food, I change diapers, I yell, I pick up, I yell for them to help, I put them down for naps, I yell, I have a short fuse, I have to put Philip in other rooms and count to 10 before I can deal with him sometimes, I forget that he's 3, but I still yell. I really don't start the day yelling I actually work my way up. My voice hurts I yell so much. I don't know what I can do at this point other than call it what it is and admit that I'm failing at something that I have always wanted. Boy do I suck! So yeah, this is the most terrible I have ever felt, even 18 hours of labor with no drugs and pitocin didn't hurt this bad. I hurt. And I don't know what I can do to not hurt any more.

Philip's Allergies

Well, after wondering about the red bumpy cheeks that Philip has had since he was about 1, he went and had allergy testing done today. The Doc was great and all of the techs too! After I went thru a list of things he eats at least 3-4 times a week they wound up doing about 40 scratch tests on his little back! He thought the marker tickled! But the first 2 tests he told the tech that 'that's not nice!' We just laughed!! He did cry and got up set but suffered thru all of them!! And got a lolli pop after and during. We waited the 10 minutes and the doc read the places where they tested. Sooo drum roll please......

Philip is allergic to: Carrots, White Potatoes, Vanilla, Sesame Seeds, and Peanuts. I really understand the peanut thing, but the others are a mystery. I didn't even know you could be allergic to potatoes!!! But he still can have sweet potatoes!! But he has zyrtec and a cream for his face now and an epi pen!! So hopefully his cheeks will get better in time. And we can be more mindful of what he's eating. I was amazed that with in minutes even during the testing his cheeks got VERY red like fever red. So that was the 1st clue that he had an allergy somewhere on one of the places. But for doing so well he was treated to a happy meal with no sesame seed bun and no fries! But he loves apples (and not allergic to them) Sigh..... We get to go back in 6 months for re-testing and he could be allergic to different things then!! At least he's not allergic to cows milk, which is something that I thought he was for a while.
My poor kid! It's not too bad though, could always be worse!

It's so nice outside!

Well the sun is shining...birds are chirping and the bulbs we planted this fall are sprouting!! It's actually a great day!! Michael is feeling better, still has toxic poos.... But it's a better day, and thanks to all of you who didn't want me to play in traffic! It's very stressful sometimes as some of you know. But all is better! And hey tommrow is another day!


P.S. Happy Birthday Daddy!

Update on Michael

Well, Michael has gone 48 hours without getting sick....he still has runny poos but they will take a little while. He has a slight fever, but back to 'good ole Michael' This morning Philip woke up at 6!! And Michael woke up a little after 7. I let him hang out in his room for a little while.....BIG mistake!! He was very quite, I thought he was resting....when I went to get him, there was poo everywhere!!!!!!!!! Including on his hands, feet, face and Mouth!!!!!!! ARRRGH!!!!! So I brought him down stripped him and gave him a bath in the sink. And rinsed his mouth as much as he would let me.....Ploped him in the pack n play and called the nurse line. Really didn't know what to do, but with him being sick and eating poo I didn't think it was a good thing. All the nurses were busy but they had me call poison control. GREAT!! They tell me that it's not the worst thing that he could do just watch him and push fluids. OK!! Then the nurse calls me back as I'm stripping the bed and scrubbing the bedding (we would run out of spray&wash today!!!!!!!!!) So not only am I cleaning up poo I'm scrubbing it with my hands!! I don't think I'll ever have enough Lysol to clean this up!!! So I get all the bedding scrubbed and there are clothes in the washer!!!!!!! Well.....as you can tell the day only gets better! And it's only 10:30am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To include Philip being in the corner and peeing on the hard wood floor!!!!! WHY!!!! Because the world hates me and it's just the way it is!!!!!!!! So, after thinking about throwing myself into traffic (wouldn't really get hurt we live across from a school speed limit is 25) Brent came home and I just really want to run away. Am I really wrong for wanting a break after 3 solid years of care taking??? I don't know....Sorry for the mental breakdown....

My Poor sick Baby!

Well, Michael woke up from his nap yesterday and had gotten sick all over his bed....we still fed him lunch and he lost all of that which resulted in a bath, but he was so not feeling well that I had to get in the tub with him and hold him. Dinner came and went and he only ate rice and bread, but after proceeded to go thru 5 outfits. Called the nurse line and they said to spoon feed him water only after he hadn't thrown up in 2 hours!! Well at that point it was 8:30 and he fell asleep on me (for the 1st time in a long time). But he woke up at 11 and acted thirsty so I dropped water in his little mouth and on the way up stairs he got sick so much that there was nothing left!!! Dry heaving baby not fun to watch!! So, we cleaned him up again and he did go to sleep only to wake up 3 times with a dirty diaper. I had to put him in the pack n play to feed Philip so he wouldn't see food. He's barely drinking. But did ask for a 'nanana' so I gave him half, and so far it's stayed down......And now he's back asleep in the den. Poor little baby!! He is keeping his spirits up even though he looks and feels like crap!! And the best part....what ever is attacking my baby is beginning to attack me!!! ARRRGH!!!