Word Vomit

Ok, so don't call the social services on me yet....:0) But I'm about to go off my rocker. I really don't know how much more I can take. This morning I went to take Michael to his 15 month appointment (Happy 15 months Michael!) And I went and got my cholesterol test done then too. (I fasted for 12 hours) Doesn't seem like a long time but making breakfast and feeding it to a kid and not having any for your self and preping a dish and still not eating isn't any fun. So, I'm in the lab with Michael (holding him) and only when he head butts me in the chest does the tech ask if she can take him before I get poked in the arm. FUN!! So that went ok. Went to Michael's appt and ran into someone I met at the ESC meeting and had some one to talk to. That was nice, what wasn't was the fact I was 20 minutes early and they didn't call me back until 10:55 soooo....my appt time was 10:30. Nice. So they weigh Michael, thinking that if he was 19 lbs that we would finally be able to get him a big boy seat BUT NOOOO he only gained 1 1/4 lb since his 1 year making him a whopping 17.8 pounds. So....he's little, we already knew that. I just don't know why. It bothers me, it really does. I love him and I know that he is little. It just bothers me....I feed him, he drinks more milk than I have ever seen a kid drink. I don't get it!! And I'm getting soooo tired of people saying he's sooo little, I know that!!! I look at him every day and worry that I'm doing something wrong. Worry why he isn't on the national "scale of normal weight" All of the tests that we can do at this point we have done. The doctor is giving him till his 18 month to try to get up at least on the bottom of the chart for weight. SO that's that. Then poor little guy had to get a shot, I didn't know that he was getting one. But he did ok. So we get home in time to pick up Philip for an Easter party. We actually have been involved in a group of kids (finally) only for Philip to get whacked in the face the 1st 5 minutes we are there. So his cheeks are redder than when he's having an allergic reaction. I don't know who and I don't know why I just know my little boy was running to me crying and saying "I just want friends" So I have Michael in a booster seat and try to make Philip eat. But all the other kids are running around. So, he wants to too. The middle of the party was ok, except when I tried to make Philip listen and sit still. I know I sounded like a mad woman yelling at him to sit and come here. He actually ran from me I nearly fell down holding Philip. That warranted a spanking. He just laughed and ran off. I'm at my wits end with him. And don't know what I did so wrong. I'm stern, I'm loving, I do what I think is right by him. He still doesn't get that I'm the Parent (wow, I'm my mom) But it's getting crazy, and so am I. Michael is caught in the middle of it. I really don't have time to really focus on him with Philip always wanting my total attention even if it's negative. Then there is the house work and all the things that need to be done to keep the house from falling into a crap hole. Brent helps. Not to say that I don't have an active Father and Husband but sometimes I feel like I should just do it myself instead of asking for help. I'm home all day all by myself with 2 boys and no car, no friends that I can call to have just come over and talk to. I spend most of my time on the phone talking to people hundreds of miles away. I just want to run away and not be here at all. I know that sounds so horrible but what am I supposed to do when I go off the deep end. I really don't want to. I feel like I'm a horrible mother, wife, friend....what ever label you want to put on me I really suck at it. I wear a mask 90% of the time. I'm not a happy person, I'm really crying inside and a rage of anger and frustration...I don't think that it's fair for my kids to have to have me as a mother the way I am. And I don't know how to fix me. I gave up on fixing things along time ago and I know that I can't fix me. To get religious, I've called out for help I don't know that He wants to say yes. I feel like I'm just floating along...I get up I yell, I make food, I change diapers, I yell, I pick up, I yell for them to help, I put them down for naps, I yell, I have a short fuse, I have to put Philip in other rooms and count to 10 before I can deal with him sometimes, I forget that he's 3, but I still yell. I really don't start the day yelling I actually work my way up. My voice hurts I yell so much. I don't know what I can do at this point other than call it what it is and admit that I'm failing at something that I have always wanted. Boy do I suck! So yeah, this is the most terrible I have ever felt, even 18 hours of labor with no drugs and pitocin didn't hurt this bad. I hurt. And I don't know what I can do to not hurt any more.