Michael is a Wheel Watcher!

So, my almost 16 month old (this Sunday) is a Wheel Watcher!! He will sit and contently watch it until a commercial comes on!!!!!!!!!! He yells "EEEE" and claps with Vanna. There is something about the spinning wheel I guess. But if we want him to be content we wait for 7pm. Silly boy!! At least at some point he will learn the alphabet!! and hopefully be a better speller than me! My funny little monkey!

I'm also getting ready for my 1st all day crop!!! Tommrow!! I hope that it all turns out well!! I know that no matter what we will have fun!!!!!!!!!!! So wish me luck!

What We did this weekend!

Well, after living 3 years in England and then getting stationed to Maryland...there are still a few things that I haven't had that I had been wanting for nearly 4 years!! It was actually the only thing that I could voice that I wanted when I was preggo both times....SONIC!!! The burgers, onion rings, the shakes, the tots, slushes, and last but not least ICE!!! What is it about the Sonic ice that is magical!!! Oh, and cheddar peppers, cheese sticks....-drool-
So in the great state of Maryland they have the commercials and every time they showed one I would look for one where ever we went but there were none to be found!!! Early February they were advertizing a new shake or something (WOW this really shows the power of advertizing!!) and I announced that I wanted Sonic! Brent actually went on the web and did a search for the closest one and that was either in Delaware or Virginina more than 50 miles away!!! So after talking about it with Melssa we set a date and it was this past Saturday! So, Melissa, Ruth, Brent, Philip, Michael and I took a road trip!!
Yes, we drove 1 1/2 hours for Sonic!! and it was worth it!!!! They even had a really neat playground that Philip and Michael played on...we all did too! But it was worth the drive!! It was a really nice day, actually got warm!! And there was even a CD made just for the trip! I can't wait to go back again soon! All the way to Delaware!!

Secret I Love You

I was reading on the wondertime website (it's a great mag and a neat website!)www.wondertime.com

They had a section on how different families say 'I Love You'. I was thinking about how we say I love you in our family. Mostly we just say it. Or we have a meal that we know they will enjoy. Or a glance, smile, wink (I love that Philip and Michael try to wink at us.) We kiss, Michael just started giving kisses with the smooch sound and all!! And I love that both of my babies learned that sound from us and our displays of affections. Michael will see us kissing and start making the kissing sound. They both kiss thier favorite stuffed animals. And enjoy eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses (always with giggles). But the thing that Brent and I have done for a long time is squeeze hands. 3 times for who ever starts it (I Love You) and 4 times for the other (I Love You Too!). Simple and quite. No one knows when we do it, it's just for us. Well, this has been happening for a long time in my family, apparently my parents had this same ritual when they were dating and relationship. They even have pendants (hey it was the 70s) that have this engraved on the back. I started it with Brent when we were dating and have continued to do it when ever we hold hands. The other day Philip did it to me, not thinking I squeezed his hand back 4 times. He looked at me and said "you love me too!!!" That warmed my heart and made me a little teary eyed. But it just made me feel loved above all!

Do you have a secret way of saying I Love You????

In Honor of National Siblings Day

Well, according to the Great Oprah the other day was National Siblings Day!! So in honor of that I have a few pics to post and a few memories to share.....

This is for: Samantha, Mia, Bethany, and Chris....my sisters and brotherAnd for the new additions: Patrick, Evan and Bryan

There is a picture I keep close to my heart of all of the ones I call sister and brother. The 1st Christmas we akwardly became a family. The year of trick or treating and the homemade costumes. All 5 of us in the bed and the little one said....PEEP!! And we got shamed by the beating of a paper back book! Not even a thick one only to hear them laugh as they closed the door...we kept laughing too! Waiting for Christmas morning and trying to catch a peek. "The sky is falling!!" Thanksgiving glamour shots! The 'lob a peach' over the house game we invented due to boredom. Cutting wood in the freezing cold to feel warm. And going outside in 110 heat to appreciate the "cool" house. The trips to Chuck E Cheese with the teenagers (Mia and Chris) and having as much fun as the other kids. The food fights, the real fights...the hugs, tears, all through the years...

The years have flown...I remember by chance I had this great friend and we wished to be sisters and lo and behold we actually became sisters! What a wonderful blessing. The Story is long and messy (adults tend to mess things up) but the outcome was I got 2 sisters and a little brother! I loved having a big family. The holidays were always full and lots of fun. Summertime was full of games, orchard work, ice cream. In a small house it was sometimes cramped and we longed for privacy but the fact we had a confidant and a playmate out weighed the lack of space. We grew up and the visits slowly were trumped by school activities, boyfriends, a bad fight...but I hope that you know that I missed you and the times we spent together. We became adults and have moved on to our own lives...don't get to see much of eachother any more due to one reason or another. But just for one day if not more I do wish we could all be together and be like it was so long ago. Put aside the hurt and the ugly words, forgive and just be our big family...

To my little sister:

I remember the day I first saw you...I had prayed for you, a best friend a playmate. I had been thru a class about babies and how to handle them. They scrubbed me up and I washed my hands with the soap that docs used (I thought that was really cool) and sat in a chair. Daddy handed you to me and you were all bundled up and asleep. I remember thinking that you were the most beautiful baby ever. After a while they put you in my room and I would lull you to sleep when you would wake up, find your binkie and help feed you. I thought you were my doll. The years went by and time changes things (again Adults messing things up) we were always sisters but not always nice. I do know that no matter where you went you always wanted to bring one back for me too. I don't ever know if I ever thanked you...I'll do it now...Thank you for all of the peppermints, dum dums, pieces of gum and every thing else. I moved away and kinda forgot that you still were small. I always wanted to protect you but couldn't some times. But now you are a beautiful lady, I think the most beautiful lady ever...some things don't change. You are a wonderful sister and friend. Thank you!

To the new additions: Patrick, Evan and Bryan Welcome to the family!! If you haven't guessed our family motto is: "We put the 'fun' in disfunctional!!! I do hope you get the chance to really experience the joy of this wonderful family. Even though Patrick has no choice because of me being married to his brother!! Some day we will all have one of the fabled Christmases complete with a retarded star!! I do feel very blessed to be apart of this family and I love you all soooo much!!

It's a BOY!

Well, Michael isn't the baby of the family any more!! He's been trumped by new little one.....

Boy you all thought that I was having another baby didn't you!!! Well we did it! We got a puppy, a beagle named "Rocky Balboa" Philip picked out the name because I got 'Rocky' for Brent for Easter. He's 8 weeks old and so cuddly. He's doing really good being in a house and 'going' outside. The boys like him. Until he starts to chase them thinking they are playing. We are all adjusting well, he was going to sleep in a kennel but I couldn't let him cry all night. So he sleeps with us until he is housebroke. But just wanted to post a cute pic of the newest little Poff.

12 Hours later....

So I wrote about the dark horrible things that I was going through yesterday, I still feel crapy but that's normal. And half the time I was typing Philip was in time out for waking up his brother. But he came in a helped me with dinner and had lots of fun. He hugged me and told me that I was his best friend. I think I almost cut my pinkie from the tears. Then during dinner he grabbed my hand I was almost yanked it away because it was a jerk reaction but I didn't and he looked at me and told me that I was his best girl and that he loved me. Well that set off a melt down. I kissed his little hand and he told me where his face was. So I kissed his face and cried. I think that some times God channels through kids. I don't know how else he would have known that I needed to hear that. We talked about what happened that day at the party. He told me that he had taken the toy away and then the kid hit him in the face. He says he closed his fist and hit in the face. He apologized to me about that, I told him that he didn't need to and that I was sorry I wasn't there to help. He said that it's ok he's still his friend and it was an accident. I can't belive how fast he forgives. Good for me. All I can say is that thank God for children. I always knew they were a blessing even if the blessing is abundant at times. But that's never bad.

Word Vomit

Ok, so don't call the social services on me yet....:0) But I'm about to go off my rocker. I really don't know how much more I can take. This morning I went to take Michael to his 15 month appointment (Happy 15 months Michael!) And I went and got my cholesterol test done then too. (I fasted for 12 hours) Doesn't seem like a long time but making breakfast and feeding it to a kid and not having any for your self and preping a dish and still not eating isn't any fun. So, I'm in the lab with Michael (holding him) and only when he head butts me in the chest does the tech ask if she can take him before I get poked in the arm. FUN!! So that went ok. Went to Michael's appt and ran into someone I met at the ESC meeting and had some one to talk to. That was nice, what wasn't was the fact I was 20 minutes early and they didn't call me back until 10:55 soooo....my appt time was 10:30. Nice. So they weigh Michael, thinking that if he was 19 lbs that we would finally be able to get him a big boy seat BUT NOOOO he only gained 1 1/4 lb since his 1 year making him a whopping 17.8 pounds. So....he's little, we already knew that. I just don't know why. It bothers me, it really does. I love him and I know that he is little. It just bothers me....I feed him, he drinks more milk than I have ever seen a kid drink. I don't get it!! And I'm getting soooo tired of people saying he's sooo little, I know that!!! I look at him every day and worry that I'm doing something wrong. Worry why he isn't on the national "scale of normal weight" All of the tests that we can do at this point we have done. The doctor is giving him till his 18 month to try to get up at least on the bottom of the chart for weight. SO that's that. Then poor little guy had to get a shot, I didn't know that he was getting one. But he did ok. So we get home in time to pick up Philip for an Easter party. We actually have been involved in a group of kids (finally) only for Philip to get whacked in the face the 1st 5 minutes we are there. So his cheeks are redder than when he's having an allergic reaction. I don't know who and I don't know why I just know my little boy was running to me crying and saying "I just want friends" So I have Michael in a booster seat and try to make Philip eat. But all the other kids are running around. So, he wants to too. The middle of the party was ok, except when I tried to make Philip listen and sit still. I know I sounded like a mad woman yelling at him to sit and come here. He actually ran from me I nearly fell down holding Philip. That warranted a spanking. He just laughed and ran off. I'm at my wits end with him. And don't know what I did so wrong. I'm stern, I'm loving, I do what I think is right by him. He still doesn't get that I'm the Parent (wow, I'm my mom) But it's getting crazy, and so am I. Michael is caught in the middle of it. I really don't have time to really focus on him with Philip always wanting my total attention even if it's negative. Then there is the house work and all the things that need to be done to keep the house from falling into a crap hole. Brent helps. Not to say that I don't have an active Father and Husband but sometimes I feel like I should just do it myself instead of asking for help. I'm home all day all by myself with 2 boys and no car, no friends that I can call to have just come over and talk to. I spend most of my time on the phone talking to people hundreds of miles away. I just want to run away and not be here at all. I know that sounds so horrible but what am I supposed to do when I go off the deep end. I really don't want to. I feel like I'm a horrible mother, wife, friend....what ever label you want to put on me I really suck at it. I wear a mask 90% of the time. I'm not a happy person, I'm really crying inside and a rage of anger and frustration...I don't think that it's fair for my kids to have to have me as a mother the way I am. And I don't know how to fix me. I gave up on fixing things along time ago and I know that I can't fix me. To get religious, I've called out for help I don't know that He wants to say yes. I feel like I'm just floating along...I get up I yell, I make food, I change diapers, I yell, I pick up, I yell for them to help, I put them down for naps, I yell, I have a short fuse, I have to put Philip in other rooms and count to 10 before I can deal with him sometimes, I forget that he's 3, but I still yell. I really don't start the day yelling I actually work my way up. My voice hurts I yell so much. I don't know what I can do at this point other than call it what it is and admit that I'm failing at something that I have always wanted. Boy do I suck! So yeah, this is the most terrible I have ever felt, even 18 hours of labor with no drugs and pitocin didn't hurt this bad. I hurt. And I don't know what I can do to not hurt any more.